what were my departing words?
in which voice did i finally say goodbye?
with the rage of the forsaken
or the sorrow of a broken idol
with the dread of the condemned
or the pity of a deluded mind
with the wit of a clever fool
or the passion of the rebel soul
all and nothing
none and every
we are one
and with one voice
i called the heavens down to me
as a blizzard of blackened embers
i saw them as raining gemstones
with a hallucination’s smile
it was a lie, but it was my lie
god, i see you changing
slipping out of sight again
shifting into shadow
distant and always running away
hiding from the ones who love you
evolving right out of existence
all those hours on my knees in praise and prayer
what was I really doing?
was it all just bloodletting for the soul?
is it supposed to hurt?
am i supposed to weep?
because that’s all it brings me anymore
i weep until my nose bleeds
i weep until my heart is empty
i weep endlessly into the void of a hollow conviction
my faith is a disease and it’s killing me
so this is goodbye
from another one of your bastard sons
my praying tongue is silent now
chewed up and flowing through this holy body
burning in those sacred acids
waiting to escape from you and your hideous creation
the sanctity of life is wasted on the living
so this is goodbye
from another one of your orphaned children
i’m going far away
to fight the disease
to cut it out of me like cancer
to shed the silks and dress in filth again
to be cleansed of purity and to embrace the silence
i’ll bury all the memories and all the sorrow
i’ll bury myself above the ground
until the day when i might live again

but to look at myself
and to realize that i believe in nothing
nothing here and nothing beyond
it lays waste to the wreckage that was my mind
the burden of my heresy
is like a stain inside the eyelid
a million tears couldn’t wash it away
it burns my eye
corrupting the entire world around me
everyone looks like a ghost
everywhere i go, i’m haunted
my bed is now a casket
my house is now a mausoleum
spoken words sound more like whispered echoes
music can barely find its way to my ears
all that medicine is just glass in my stomach
all those ropes and cords are just slithering nooses
even the most delicious cuisine becomes mud in my mouth
holy water turns to urine
a soft caress comes from a rotten claw
reaching up from the grave
and those little everyday miracles
are now just bitter memories that i regret ever possessing
i mourn the sunrise
i scorn the twilight
it’s become a struggle to simply digest the air i inhale
so heavy with that secret venom
now i can hear a punctured lung hissing
the cunning serpent within
finally takes a voice
and uses it for vicious condemnations
every waking second
like a ticking clock
strapped to dynamite
every sleeping dream
like the mother of all nightmares
giving birth to a bomb
and when the dream is over
there is no relief
the daylight welcomes me
as a gun would welcome its prey
i would rather wake up inside the nightmare
where at least i wouldn’t have to breathe again
i try to hold on to the dreamscape’s atmosphere
but deep within my thundering chest
necrosis is beginning to creep back in
that sweet imagined oxygen flees in terror
anointing the barren air
with the stench of my regression
into spiritual famine…

i can feel it approaching
the march of the god monsters
tribal drums – their steady pulse
stampeding up the crook of my backbone
walk softly upon those cloven hooves
can’t you feel the mountain shaking?
can’t you see the crystal shattering?  
the tower is crashing down
the temple turns back into clay

with every breath my world is changing
decaying and reshaping
creation is annihilation
the canyon becomes the nile
clouds become quicksand
the skies swallow drowning men
the earth captures flying spirits
drawn into this suffocating emptiness
this nothingness that covers everything

hopeless is
when breathing becomes nothing more than screaming without words

spiritual famine
feed me
god…
please, someone…
feed me
feed me anything
the square nail
the gilded cross
the six-eyed candlestick
the descending moon
the golden horns
the bleeding star
the shadow’s silhouette
the scarlet letter
the united sun
find me a pretty little symbol to love
print it on a bandage and let it latch onto the wound
something to hide the flesh
to bless the skin
as it slowly withers
to kiss the amulet
as it softly strangles
to soothe the hunger
as I sink further into madness

i think i would destroy the lord
if i were to discover some secret power
i think i could worship the devil
if he were to step out of his hidden tower

i know i would believe the devil
if he told me that i never had a brain
i know i could forgive the lord
if he told me why i have to be insane

forgiveness
rise from forgiveness
i forgive you
i forgive everyone
for everything
i forgive everyone
except myself
so i beg you to forgive me
for looking away
while every other faithful eye was sealed shut in solemn prayer
for wandering out of heaven
in search of solitude and emptiness
to watch my soul slowly starve
as i wait to rise from my forgiveness
and beg to be forgiven